I found grace when I lose hope

I have a decent job, my family and friends know that. But my little family’s growing. We are renting a house, we are paying bills, we are buying milk and diapers, I am commuting, we are eating…

I am a bread-winner mommy. I work while my husband stays at home temporarily while the babies are young.

But recently, I convinced myself that I needed a new job. My reasons?
a.   I want a job that would give me a higher salary and the same benefits I have with my employer now.

b.  I want to have a new work environment. I have been stagnant at work. I am not growing. Plus, I am tired of listening to people who misjudged me, who can’t understand my situation. In short, I want an escape.

c.  I want to work with my college best friend in a hope that I can be restored spiritually with her help.

So I’ve looked for jobs. I submitted my CVs. I attended interviews and passed initial assessments.

I was so excited. I am so confident that God is leading me to a new and better path.

Then, the biggest company that me and my bestfriend has applied for called me for final interview.

I was sick but I still came. I can’t feel any nervousness, just (over) confidence.

I was called.

The interview started. The interviewer throws in her questions. I answered. I guess I am prepared for this. But I’ve gone into circles.

I WAS INTIMIDATED.

The interview was finished with a question, “Why should I NOT hire you?”

I walked outside the room feeling like a failure. I wanted to cry. Because I know God has already closed that door for me and for my family.

I messaged my husband. He has told me a lot of things to comfort me. The only thing that marked was when he said, “Dapat nag-seek ka muna ng guidance kay God bago ka humarap e.”

Then I realized, I have not even prayed before I face the interview and I felt really guilty. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

After that night. I prayed. I read the Bible. I asked God to give me a clear answer. I want to understand everything. I am so tired of shouldering every little problems of our family.

Chasing a dream for four years, I looked back to how I started and why I am here in this company. I never wanted to apply here but once upon a time, when I prayed, I saw this company in my dreams – I was there, too.

I have tried to quit my job here for God knows how many times, but I am still here.

I’d be very honest that all those times my reason has been the same : MONEY.

When I have applied with my best friend, I thought I was doing it right. I convinced myself that it was for my best friend’s good that I had her apply with me. I believe my best friend got the job and she deserves it, and I am genuinely happy for her.

I was not able to get that job. God has closed the doors which I thought will be better for me. But it’s not really about what job I’ll have. It’s about my heart and my motive.

You know what I’ve found from this experience?

1.   I found grace when I lose hope. God is a turn around maker God. He makes bad things better and He will never ever forsake us. That I can testify. When I have nothing, we survived by the grace of God alone and we have succeeded after we have surrendered all to Him.

2. I found security and assurance. It’s not all about money after all. Yes, life is tough and I honestly wish we could be in a better situation. I felt sorry for my kids for giving them limited time and limited material gifts and yes, limited patience. But God has put a security in my heart. He has promised that He will always be there for me and my family. God is what we need. Not a new job with higher salary nor a new environment. I need a new heart that will trust and acknowledged Him all the way. God plans will always be the best!

3. I have found my identity in His eyes.
One of the reasons I wanted to be out of this company was that I wanted to restart. I felt I have been a mess. The legacy that I am trying to build from the beginning turned out to be just a piece of trash. People hated me, judged me and let go of me. I have been very vulnerable and I made a  mountain of mistakes that I can no longer change. But, I have found myself loved in God’s eyes. I realized that I should only focus on Him and try to live according to His will. After all, my rewards not in here.
But I wanna start to live intentionally. In a way that I can work with integrity, that I can keep my relationships better and in time, to restore all broken relationships. In the mean time, I will be focusing on bringing out the best in me, what God has intended me to be.

4. I have found courage. To do all things with love and by purpose. To stand all the trials confident that I am not walking this venture alone.

5. And finally, I have found love. A love that has given me a sense of contentment and fulfillment. A love that  makes me trust His ways even I can’t understand them. A love that makes me love myself and a love that has restored my salvation and faith. In my weakness, I find strength.

I HAVE FOUND A LOVE THAT KEEPS ME GOING.

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

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